Just Having a Ball at my Coming Gout Party
Gee, has it really been since July? How time flies when your life is a headlong rush of days whose sameness causes them to melt together indistinguishably. I see that I've been attracting a large number of hits from surfboard vendors for some odd reason. Gotta love automated Spam.
So what have I been up to? Not a whole lot. I get up, eat breakfast, sit in traffic for an hour and a half, listen to people who make three times more than I do and have four times my education cry because they can't figure out how to run a Peoplesoft query or save a Word document, Spend two more hours in traffic on the way home, get to spend a precious hour or two with the one person I'm happy to see all day before she has to go to bed because of her crazy work schedule, then I get up and start all over again. Yes, life is full.
Okay, so it's not all that bad. My wife and I both enjoy our jobs and it's really kind of nice to be on a regular schedule. After working nights, graveyard shifts, weekends and holidays for so long, it's a relief for both of us to have weekends and holidays off together. Our schedules are only a little out of synch since she has to be at work at 3am.
Current Events
Wow...Where to start? I guess the most recent news would be that I'm preparing to have surgery. I have what is known as a Hydroseal on one of my...gentlemen. Okay, so I have a swollen ball. Hooray. Basically one of my testicles has swollen to about four times its normal size. Big Teke Nuts in ya Mouth indeed. According to the doctor this is a "normal" issue. Normally, most guys would be like "Hell yeah! I've got a huge package!" Belive me, though, when I say that it's not comfortable, it's painful in some circumstances and I'll be glad when its fixed. The procedure seems simple enough. They slice open the scrotum, pop out the offending testicle, drain the excess fluid, cut open the sac that surrounds the testicle, flip it inside-out, then sew everything back up. Why are you guys out there crossing your legs?
Additionally, I apparently have gout, or at least a pre-gout condition. "WTF!?" you might say. I know I said it. I don't eat rich foods or drink heavily, but nevertheless my uric acid count in my bloodwork is abnormally high. I'm also not in any joint pain and I have no swollen or painful toes. So I did a bit of research. High uric acid levels can be caused by a number of things, the end result of which after a number of years, would be gout. One of the things that can cause high uric acid levels? Obesity. Guess it's time to dust off the diet and exercise equipment. Oh well, I've been needing to lose some weight anyway.
Insert Anecdote Here
So my wife and I were discussing my upcoming surgery when she recalled an event that happened a few years back on my birthday (which is coming up January 12th for those of you who want to lavish me with gifts like big screen TVs, Chrysler 300Cs, or a lifetime supply of half-eaten Fig Newtons). Marianne went to buy me a birthday cake from Baskin-Robbins (mmmm...ice cream cake...) and decided to put something funny on the cake. When she got the cake home and took a picture of it, she noticed the wacky foreign guy at the shop had made a minor spelling error. The cake read as follows:
"Happy Birthday to the Man with the Biggest Ball in the World!"
Considering what I'm going to be having surgery for...
"That, my friends, is irony writ large."
-George Carlin
So what have I been up to? Not a whole lot. I get up, eat breakfast, sit in traffic for an hour and a half, listen to people who make three times more than I do and have four times my education cry because they can't figure out how to run a Peoplesoft query or save a Word document, Spend two more hours in traffic on the way home, get to spend a precious hour or two with the one person I'm happy to see all day before she has to go to bed because of her crazy work schedule, then I get up and start all over again. Yes, life is full.
Okay, so it's not all that bad. My wife and I both enjoy our jobs and it's really kind of nice to be on a regular schedule. After working nights, graveyard shifts, weekends and holidays for so long, it's a relief for both of us to have weekends and holidays off together. Our schedules are only a little out of synch since she has to be at work at 3am.
Current Events
Wow...Where to start? I guess the most recent news would be that I'm preparing to have surgery. I have what is known as a Hydroseal on one of my...gentlemen. Okay, so I have a swollen ball. Hooray. Basically one of my testicles has swollen to about four times its normal size. Big Teke Nuts in ya Mouth indeed. According to the doctor this is a "normal" issue. Normally, most guys would be like "Hell yeah! I've got a huge package!" Belive me, though, when I say that it's not comfortable, it's painful in some circumstances and I'll be glad when its fixed. The procedure seems simple enough. They slice open the scrotum, pop out the offending testicle, drain the excess fluid, cut open the sac that surrounds the testicle, flip it inside-out, then sew everything back up. Why are you guys out there crossing your legs?
Additionally, I apparently have gout, or at least a pre-gout condition. "WTF!?" you might say. I know I said it. I don't eat rich foods or drink heavily, but nevertheless my uric acid count in my bloodwork is abnormally high. I'm also not in any joint pain and I have no swollen or painful toes. So I did a bit of research. High uric acid levels can be caused by a number of things, the end result of which after a number of years, would be gout. One of the things that can cause high uric acid levels? Obesity. Guess it's time to dust off the diet and exercise equipment. Oh well, I've been needing to lose some weight anyway.
Insert Anecdote Here
So my wife and I were discussing my upcoming surgery when she recalled an event that happened a few years back on my birthday (which is coming up January 12th for those of you who want to lavish me with gifts like big screen TVs, Chrysler 300Cs, or a lifetime supply of half-eaten Fig Newtons). Marianne went to buy me a birthday cake from Baskin-Robbins (mmmm...ice cream cake...) and decided to put something funny on the cake. When she got the cake home and took a picture of it, she noticed the wacky foreign guy at the shop had made a minor spelling error. The cake read as follows:
"Happy Birthday to the Man with the Biggest Ball in the World!"
Considering what I'm going to be having surgery for...
"That, my friends, is irony writ large."
-George Carlin
Ha! Was that so hard?
I'll offer the advice Greg once gave me: Quit squeezing your testicles during masturbation and you won't have that problem.
Posted by
Anonymous |
3:50 PM
Holly cojones! Jesticles blogged!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:09 PM
One testicle
Two testicle
Swollen testicle
Blue testicle
There one was a man name of Jes,
His testicles it seemed were a mess.
He squeezed them too tight
jacking off one night
Now one is as big as a chest.
Have a ball with the operation!!!
It just occurred to me that Chad, Jacob, Jess and myself have had some peculiar testicular issues. Hmmmmmmmmm... How'd that happen?
Watch out Jes. The doc will use this as a reason to stick his finger up your ass. Just make sure you washed real good on that day. Don't make Captian James T. Kirk go in after the Klingons hiding near Uranis.
Hey! Next time you get bored, ASK ME ABOUT MY VASECTOMY!
Posted by
Anonymous |
5:59 PM
OH AND USE YOUR BLOG ADMINISTRAIVE PRIVELEGES TO DELETE SURA'S HOT TUB CHEMICAL ADS... ;-)
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:00 PM
You know, it seems we are bound together not by a ring, not by a quest, but by our test...icles.
Seriously though I good luck with the surgery. I remember when my infected nut had grown to the size of like a quarter of an orange.
I also remember thinking when they first did the ultrasound that I had women with warm cream shining a light at my gonads that I wasn't really excited in the least....You'd think this would have been one of those experiences.. *grin*
Posted by
Anonymous |
6:33 AM
Jesticles when do we get an update on your testicles?
Posted by
Anonymous |
8:27 AM